| Original Sun |
[26 Apr 2005|09:17am] |
Katherine:
She lays, curled like a cat. Bathed in sunlight, ironically enough.
I just watch her sleep. Calm. Peaceful.
Still naked under these sheets.
We’re falling apart on the inside, but on the outside, we’re whole.
Kim:
Atrocity. Every inch on my is screaming it. My skin is crawling with her.
I should have left. Damn us both.
I should be happy. Maybe I am. I can’t tell.
I have this sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. I don’t like it. I hate it, in fact. I wish it would go away.
I need to go somewhere, get away from here.
I just need an excuse.
Katherine:
There. She’s off again. Another day and we’re still a slave to money.
Her more than me. She has the job, I’m on break.
Washed up actress, according to some. That’s okay. I’m going to look for a job today.
Maybe then I can be happy because I would make her happy.
Kim:
The drive was unreasonably long today.
I left early and arrived late.
Today’s schedule:
Reuben Guirez
Charles Shoenor
Eric Messer
Women’s:
Julia Meinach
Erin Hesse
Jona Schleif
Just get me through today.
Katherine:
Four possible jobs. Waitress, actress, secretary, flipping burgers.
I could go for waitress or secretary. Maybe try and renew my acting. That would be nice.
Auditions on next Thursday. It would be nice to get out.
To get away.
Kim:
I went out drinking after work today. God. I’m just as bad as she is.
There’s supposed to be a performance tonight. Some girl named Myra. Everyone is pretty hyped about it.
I left before she went on.
Those cold streets felt warmer now. So, I walked until the sun came up and I found myself at home, staring at her in the light. I think God must have created the sun to show us our sin.
|
|
| Chains In Luna |
[24 Apr 2005|07:20pm] |
"I've been waiting for you."
"What?"
"I said I've been waiting for you...Don't you remember? I met you on the beach."
A sudden realization dawned.
"You look...Different."
She laughed. "I know." She paused, ran a hand through her hair. "You want a drink?"
I picked up my glass. "Already got one. Compliments of the lovely lady in the corner." I raised my glass to her and grinned.
She smiled back. The lady in green.
I think she was annoyed, but she pulled out the stool next to me and sat down. "She buys everyone something. Or sells it to them." She struck a match and lit a cigarette. "You should let someone but you a drink who picks her girls wisely."
I smiled. "Are you saying I should let you buy me a drink?"
"Yep." She exhaled.
"Alright. Why?"
"Because she can't love you like I could."
I was taken back, surprised, but still unsure. "You can only buy me one if you can guess my favorite drink."
She tooka sip of beer and stared off. "You seem like a pina colada person to me."
I leaned forward. "Then why don't you buy me one?"
~~~
Katherine:
"You're home early today."
"Surprised?"
"Yes."
"Pleasantly surprised?" I sat up.
She didn't say anything.
"Look, I'll leave if you want, just say so."
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't say much of anything."
"Stop it."
"What? Stop What?"
She grabbed her head. "Everything! Just stop everything!"
I sunk lower into the bed. Fuck. I've done it now. "Where are you going?"
"Out." She said. grabbing her keys and walking out of the room.
"Damnit, Kim! I'm sorry, okay? Just...Don't go. Please?"
She paused. "You want me to stay?"
"Do you want to go?"
"...No"
"Then why do it?"
"Because...I have places to be."
Always making excuses.
"Where?"
"When did you start caring?"
"I never stopped."
She was taken back. "Fine. I'll stay."
She put down her purse, she put down her keys, she took off her jacket...And she was there.
She sat next to me. "So what now, huh?" She shrugged. "I'm here."
And then i did it. I just kissed her...And she kissed back.
Kim:
Do I treat her horribly? I'm a bitch, aren't I? Vindictive if we want to modify that with an adjective.
It's all shitty.
I stayed with her today. Despite anger, despite hate, despite humiliation...Despite love.
No work. No stree. No nothing. Just her.
Katherine:
I'm chained to this feeling. This desire. This night.
It was more than just kisses. It was love. It is love.
I don't deny I love her. I just wish I could do it more.
Kim:
"Are kisses all you want?"
"What are you willing to give?"
"Everything."
So I did. I gave into her. I breathed harder than ever, almost choking on sweat, bound to this night. One night of passion for a life of solitude. That's the price of love...You live in shackles.
|
|
| Christ Chex |
[21 Apr 2005|09:41am] |
Katherine:
Tangled up in this morning. I’m scared that if I try to leave this bed, she’ll wake up.
So I lay here, feeling trapped. Cramped between wanting to stay and needing to go.
Kim:
This is the first time I’ve woken up with her next to me in over two months.
It was a welcome sensation. I wish she did this more often.
She left soon after.
[In] [The] [Daylight] [I] [Must] [Hide]
[All] [The] [Time] [This] [Time] [I] [Bide]
I don’t understand it. Maybe I’m not meant to.
Does she do this on purpose?
Maybe there’s a secret message hidden away in there. One that only she knows. Maybe it
will be revealed in good time. For now, I have to keep us both alive.
Katherine:
I think I was gone as soon as she opened her eyes.
One more day to waste away calling around, looking for fun, or for trouble.
Kim:
The chair in Jones’ cell was filled with carvings.
No one knows how he did it, how he managed to get a razor past us, but there it was, still left in the wood.
He kept it like a journal.
“2-21-02 rape in bathroom”
“5-06-02 drug deal”
“6-09-02 drug deal”
I stopped reading. I always knew prisons were bad, but I always said my prison was different. That was a lie. No prison is different. At least now we know.
Katherine:
I managed to find my way downtown and not I find myself sitting on a beach, watching the rolling tides of water.
I hate days like this. Doing nothing. Saying nothing. Thinking nothing. Or maybe thinking too much.
I think we met here. Maybe…Maybe it was another beach. I can’t remember.
All I can remember is her. Maybe that’s all I need.
Kim:
I call it Jones’ Tale Chair. I don’t know if the rest of the force agrees. I think they’ve chosen to ignore it.
It’s frustrating. Everything seems to be heading down the same road. Gloomy and lonely.
The Tale Chair is sitting in front of me, screaming a story the rest of this world will never know. I have one more hour until I go home. Why do I still count those minutes? They’re lonely and long.
Katherine:
I bummed a ride home. The lights are still off. I thought for sure she would be home by now.
The bed is made. The sheets are cold. The lights are dim and I’m alone.
I hate this feeling that seeping into my bones.
The lock clicks downstairs.
She thinks she’s the first one here.
Maybe I’ll be a pleasant surprise.
|
|
| Unlocking Jones' Tale Chair |
[12 Apr 2005|09:09pm] |
Kim:
She came home last last night. The clock blinked 20 after midnight when I felt her weighting the other side of the mattress.
Work was hard today, but she didn't ask. She knew I was awake, but she didn't speak. I can't sleep without her next to me.
There was a suicide in the prison. Leroy jones was his name. I counciled him for three and a half years and made no connection. I feel like it was somehow my fault, like I could have changed something if I had listened more...If I picked up the signs.
Katherine said sometimes there aren't signs...I don't know if I believe her.
I told her this morning. I guess her hangover kept her here.
[Still] [I] [Hate] [The] [Night]
Her message to greet the morning. I could just cry when I read them...She's only with me at night.
Katherine:
I woke up and I was still here. So I put the coffee on and left the door handle untouched for once. Kim came down later. She smiled when she saw me. She thought I stayed home because I was still hungover...What she didn't know was that I stayed for her.
Kim:
She stayed for breakfast and then she was gone. I almost asked her where she was going, but I stopped myself. If she knew I cared...I don't want her to feel guilty if she doesn't. She I let her run free, still holding my heart and hope she doesn't fall.
Katherine:
I almost stayed longer, but that awkward silence fell between us again and I knew it was time to fold.
Her absence is tearing me apart. So I fill that empty feeling with alcohol. Not too much tis time, just enough to make her disappear for a while. Then I wander.
Joseph is with me today. Turns out he tried calling my phone but there was no answer. It wasn't until he said it that I realized it had gone dead a week ago and I never noticed.
No one important called. She doesn't call. The only one I would pick up on the first ring and be almost too overjoyed to even talk.
But she stopped dialing my number months ago. So I stopped caring.
Sometimes, I wouldn't take and come home to 6 missed called and 4 voicemails. Not one from her.
Why are we together if we're so unhappy?...Because she's the only person who can change that.
Kim:
She's gone and I'm alone again.
I have to be at the pen in an hour. Jones' cell needs to be cleaned out and I have evaluations to do.
But for now, I;m going to sit here and call it quits. Maybe take one of her cigarettes and my mug and sit on the porch for an hour, watching that smoke drift higher until it's nothing.
Maybe, if I think about it enough, I can get my head cleared of doubt.
Why do we still live together if I make her unhappy? I wish I could understand her. I let a sigh escape. I always do that when I think of her. Katherine...My Katherine who is no longer mine.
LATER
The place was crawling with cops by the time I got there. His cell hadn't been touched though.
I felt guilty opening the life of someone and disecting it unti lit was something undistinguishable, unrecognizeable.
Jones' journal was under his mattress. The inmates hiding place. I brought it home unopened, not sure I want to look inside his mind...But until she comes home, I have nothing.
Katherine:
"You wanna go somewhere?"
That was unexpected. I think I smiled. I hope I did.
"Like where?"
"I don't know. Anywhere. We never go out anymore."
And there is was. That's how I suddenly found myself in the coffee house on the corner of 27th and Maple with her across from me.
Her fingers must have traced the rim of that glass a million times. She smiled, she flirted, she laughed. Everything I had been loning for was there and I found myself pulled into that strange personality. So I smiled, I flirted, I laughed. And I fell in love all over again.
Kim:
I find myself wondering if this was a mistake.
She doesn't want to be here...
But I want her here. Is that selfish?
I'm going to pull out all my tricks and maybe she'll stay.
|
|
| Greek Orthodox Abandonment |
[10 Apr 2005|01:27pm] |
Kim:
She left early again today. I hate it when she does this.
If only I loved her more...If only I had more of her to love…
If only I was left with more than her magnetized words every morning.
[the] [great][est] [sorrows] [are] [left] [un][told]
Always negative. Why can’t she ever see the good? What about me? Do I just spoil it all?
I’ll think about that for the rest of the day over coffee. What a pathetic existence.
Then, over the cloud reflection in my glass…I’ll wonder were she goes and who she does. Why does she bother leaving the house? Why does she bother coming home? Lord knows I don’t make her happy.
My sighs are so labored now. My bathrobe is a little worn and our relationship is wearing thinner than ever. And yet…somehow we manage to slip into this threadbare love again and again.
I just want her to see me as her only one, her only heart.
Maybe one day we’ll be re-hemmed.
~KS
Katherine:
She was still sleeping when I woke up. I wish she would just stop taking those damn pills. So I did something today that I never thought I would: I flushed them. All of them. $50 worth of medication lost forever.
But I never forget to leave my message on the fridge. When she walks in she’ll see it. She always does. But it doesn’t make her happy. Nothing I do does and I don’t know why. So I leave. Maybe then she can be happy…without me.
~KM
Kim:
The shower was still wet. It took 5 minutes for the water to turn cold. It’s disappointing. She rushes everything to the limit, licks every last drop from the bottle until it’s all dry.
Work starts in 15 minutes and I still feel like I’m in bed.
If I speed, I’ll make it to jail on time.
~KS
Katherine:
She’s probably at work already. I’m scared to go home and find her still there.
She probably thinks I spend my time at bars. I wish she knew I was better than that.
I don’t do anything. I went to the church yesterday. I stood outside it. Can’t bare what’s beyond those doors again.
I’ve officially been to every store on the downtown strip. I’ve seen the sights.
Mostly, I walk. Sometimes a few other people come too. We walk together. The lonely trio. If there’s three of us. Most days it’s solo.
But we’re made to fly solo.
~KM
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maybeish's journal